my sisters under your porch take her home
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
