he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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