I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
