I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
