ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
