I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
