Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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