My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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