new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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