Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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