I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
