I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
