After last night, I could never be a politician.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
