just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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