Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
