Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
