Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
