i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
