The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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