the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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