I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize