why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
