Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
