Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize