Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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