haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
