I think I just saw someone hide a body.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
