1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
