We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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