in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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