I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize