listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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