After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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