I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
