I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i think i have two assholes
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I have so many feelings about this burrito
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
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