My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
