**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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