I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
