I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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