Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
