please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
