Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
