You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
try to milk me bitch
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
