dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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