If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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