She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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