I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize