the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
