hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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