We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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