Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
