I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
