I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
