I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
