just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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