Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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