The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
