So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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