found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
