I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
