so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
