stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize