Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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